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Mike Polk Jr. on cicadas in Ohio, but not Cleveland

The Brood X Cicadas have emerged and are currently plaguing certain cursed sections of our state as well as social media, but hey, at least they're not in Cleveland!

CLEVELAND — The Brood X Cicadas have very much emerged and are currently plaguing certain cursed sections of our state and are also plaguing social media, where they’re being hunted and eaten by their primary predator, content-hungry TikTok video creators.

But what dangers to they pose to Columbus residents? More importantly, how do we keep them the hell out of Cleveland?

For those answers, I turned to Columbus Metropark Bigwig Tim Moloney. Instead of being horrified by these creatures, he was actually pretty stoked to see them in his neck of the woods. 

According to Mr. Moloney, every 17 years these Brood X creeps emerge all at once, shed their exoskeletons like weirdos, grow wings and then immediately start singin’. 

That’s right. That noise you're hearing is the mating call of a billion randy cicadas, looking for love. To them, this sounds like Usher.

Shockingly, when I asked these Columbus nature lovers how they were dealing with this horrific visit, they seemed largely unfazed.

It seems as though the icky trauma that these chipper residents are currently experiencing has simply not yet sunk in.

Perhaps they’re in denial, unwilling to acknowledge the horror of their current situation, for fear of making it real.

But having now experienced this traumatic grossness firsthand, up close and personal… I can tell you that the cicada mess in Columbus is very real, and quite nasty. I didn’t even have to eat one to realize that.

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Editor's Note: The below story features previous reporting on Brood X cicadas