CLEVELAND — Hey folks! The deadline to complete your 2020 census form is fast approaching and if you haven't done it yet, we sure wish you would.
Look, I don't like homework either but even I did it, and I promise it doesn't take very long and the questions aren't even that hard. In fact, I'm pretty sure I aced it.
Here's the deal, the more people from Northeast Ohio who complete this thing, the better it is for the whole area. Because the numbers that come out of this census will shape how much federal support, AKA Uncle Sam bucks, Ohio will receive.
Over the next 10 years the more people, the census says we have the more money we get for everything from social programs to road repair, lighthouse maintenance..... probably....? That's obviously important, but there's another reason that I think all Cleveland should fill this census out. And that's a little something called civic pride.
By measure of population, Cleveland is the 53rd biggest city in America. Which is by no means terrible though, obviously a far cry from our heyday in the early 20th century, when we were the sixth biggest city, which led to Cleveland being nicknamed "The Sixth City."
Of course the fact is we're not getting back up to number six, you guys. We are very much a double-digit city at this point and that's fine as far as I'm concerned. This is way better - more elbow room, affordable rent, plenty of street parking, that's good stuff but i'm certainly not comfortable slipping much further than 53.
And I'm looking at some of these cities that could potentially pass us up in population depending on how the census turns out. And it is not good folks.
For example, do you want to get passed up by number 61, Henderson, Nevada? Do you want to fall behind this desert suburb of Las Vegas that's probably populated by a bunch of casino magicians and blackjack dealers?
And if that doesn't scare you guess who else is in striking distance? How about number 64, Cincinnati? Do you really want to give population bragging rights to an interstate rival city whose airport is in Kentucky?
Still not bad enough for you? Well guess who's just two spots down from there and could also pass us up? Ever hear of a little town called Pittsburgh?
Oh sure it's a long shot - they're at 66 right now but wouldn't it be just like them to respond to the census extra hard out of spite just to try and pass us up? They're probably doing it right now, trying to become a bigger city than us.
Is that okay with you??
Now that I've whipped you into a frenzy, let me show you how easy it is to complete the Census.
Just go to 2020census.gov and fill it out there.
It not only benefits the whole area financially but also helps us to maintain a statistical dominance over our smaller rival cities.
Maybe we'll even move up a spot or two.
You hear that Wichita, Kansas? Cleveland's coming for you.