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Mike Polk Jr. on why we celebrate absolutely everything in May

As you may or may not know, May is not only National Bike Safety Month, it is also Wildfire Awareness Month, and National Salad Month, to name just a few.

CLEVELAND — Hey Folks. Sorry about all this, but May is winding down and I am way behind on my commemorating. 

As you may or may not know, the month of May is not only National Bike Safety Month, but it’s also Wildfire Awareness Month, National Drum Month, and National Salad Month, so I’m obviously spinning a lot of plates right now to try and cover all of my bases.

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There is no shortage of websites that feature monthly holiday calendars listing all of the various things that we’re supposed to be acknowledging throughout the year and that’s sort of the issue, isn’t it?

You’re probably aware of some of the more prominent ones, like the fact that May is Military Appreciation month and Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month.

But there are SO many more. Did you know that this is also the month that we’re supposed to appreciate Loaded Baked Potatoes and Good Posture?

Well it’s true. And by “true” I mean that it’s on the internet, where truth can be notoriously relative.

There is no central authority to which one can submit suggestions for these commemorations, which means that there is no entity in place to determine which things actually deserve to be included and which do not.

And frankly, I feel like it’s getting a little ridiculous. I even wrote a song about it! 

May’s winding down and there’s so much left to celebrate

Here’s a list of things that you might want to commemorate.

Some of them are serious and other ones are weird

Not sure who decided it, but May’s the time of year…

When we celebrate….

strawberries, wetlands, Wrestlemania

Dental Care, Hamburgers, Horses from Arabia,

fresh air, photographs, keeping your car clean

Pet Care, zombies, custard-not ice cream,

May is your month if you’re into Meditation

Chamber style music, Toddler vaccinations

Roller Derby, Dental Care, drinking water too

If you hate yard work, May’s the month for you

May also recognizes various maladies

Asthma, Blood pressure and food allergies,

Hair Loss, Arthritis, Hepatitis B,

Electromagnetic Radioactivity

This is your month if you like a good mystery,

Clean Air, Cold Soup, Labor History

Baby Ducks, barbecue, Physiotherapy,

Lonely Iowa saying “Please visit Me”

This month we celebrate historic preservation

School-Aged kids who don’t leave the reservation,

Vinegar, Travel Agents, Oregon Wine,

So much left to do and and I’m running out of time this May….

I hope that helped. Now if you’ll indulge me, since apparently all it takes to make something a holiday is to simply say it out loud and put it on the internet, I’ve decided to make May the official month that people should celebrate Cleveland Style Brown Mustard. Because what’s one more thing at this point, right?

I hereby declare that from this day forward, in addition to everything else, May will now also be recognized as “National Brown Mustard Month” until the end of human existence. 

So it has been spoken into the universe, and so it has become true.

Okay, I get the appeal. That’s a powerful sensation. Happy Brown Mustard May to all those who celebrate.

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