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Mike Polk Jr.'s non-runner's guide to Union Home Mortgage Cleveland Marathon

Mike wanted to show his support in some way for this weekend's event that didn’t involve actual exercise.

CLEVELAND — The 45th Union Home Mortgage Cleveland Marathon is set for this Sunday and more than 8,000 entrants are expected for the 5k, 10k, half and full marathon events throughout the weekend. I personally abhor running like nobody’s business, but I admire the folks who undertake it and I do love a good citywide event.

I wanted to show my support in some way that didn’t involve actual exercise. So we made this helpful segment that will allow you, our cherished viewers, to travel the Marathon route with me as I point out some of the best spots to post up and cheer on the sweaty people as they wheeze by.

I made this primer for MY people: Those who don’t wish to exert themselves but who also like to be involved in civic events so long as they don’t start too early.

I hope this proves helpful and if you start getting winded while watching it please remember to take a break and catch your breath. Don’t try to be a hero.

Below, I’m including some quotes from notable people about how great running allegedly is, followed by my rebuttals to those dubious claims.

“I don’t run to add days to my life, I run to add life to my days.” — Ronald Rook

Less strenuous ways to make your life more fulfilling:

  • Get a dog.
  • Read a book.
  • Take a cooking class.
  • Nap.

“Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it.” — Oprah Winfrey

Does this include shin splints?

“Every marathon I ran, I knew I had a faster one in me.” — Dick Beardsley

An inability to ever be satisfied with of one’s accomplishments is a clear sign of mental illness.  

“Running is something you can do and be alone in your thoughts, and I like that.” — Carole Radziwill

That’s fine for her but Carole has clearly never spent time alone with MY thoughts. Hard pass.

“Run often. Run long. But never outrun your joy of running.” — Julie Isphording

I long ago decided to skip those first two steps out of an abundance of caution just to be certain that I don’t screw up that third one.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

I agree with this in theory only because even thought he doesn’t specifically mention that golf carts are an option he doesn’t disallow them either. 

“I like trails more than roads. I’ve jumped over my share of rattlesnakes. I’ve seen mountain lions, coyotes, bobcats, skunks, hawks.” — Reggie Miller

Is this supposed to be an endorsement of trail-running? Because I’ve gotta tell you that speaking personally this isn’t moving the meter.

“A good laugh and a long run are the two best cures for anything.” — Unknown

Candidly I feel like Penicillin and the Polio Vaccine might have the edge.

I feel like we should at least END on a running quote with which I am in total agreement. Take it away Uncle Milty:

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” ― Milton Berle

And with that we have reached the finish line.

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