FAIRVIEW PARK, Ohio — Porch Pirates.
Sure, it's fun to say, but these aren't the fun, swashbuckling, Disney-type pirates. These are the creeps who brazenly take stuff that you paid for right off your stoop because there is no honor in their pirate code.
According to a recent study from security.org, porch pirates have stolen about $8 billion worth of packages just in this past year. Some 44 million Americans have had a package stolen in the past three months.
So I spoke with Fairview Park Police Chief Paul Shepard about the prevalence of the issue.
"Almost everybody shops online," Chief Shepard told me. "Deliveries are at all time high, especially before the holidays. What we find is people will follow delivery vehicles, wait for them to make the drop off and then come up on the porch and take [the package.]"
In fact, I was a victim myself. I recently had a cat groomer stolen off of my porch for my cat McDuff, so I asked Chief Shepard for some simple steps people can take to help prevent their precious packages from being pilfered by punk porch pirates.
"First, make sure you track when your package is coming. If you make arrangements to have it delivered, [consider delivering to] boxes inside stores or public areas," he said. "[It's a good idea to ask for help from] friends or family that can come pick it up or neighbors if you're not going to be there. Most importantly, if wherever you had the delivery, if you do have a ring doorbell or have a home surveillance system, have that delivery made where the cameras might catch if something was happening."
I've been thinking about the issue quite a bit and have a few suggestions as well.
-Amazon guard drones. What’s taking so long?
-Amazon should start putting "Toxic" and "Nuclear" and "BioHazard" stickers all over our packages.
-Amazon should start shipping out millions of unrequested Michael Buble (et. al) cds at random to people. Porch pirates will get discouraged.
-Once you pick up the package, you have 5 minutes to scan it with the Amazon Prime App on your phone, or else a dye pack explodes. Your day is a wreck now.
-Make a fake Ring camera out of an old Blackberry in order to fool criminals into thinking you're a middle class person
-Danny Greene return label.
-Put a scarecrow that looks like a police officer in every yard.
-I have all of my Amazon deliveries sent to a police station. Have them sent here. Then once they start to really pile up, let me know. Or maybe a Hell's Angels bar.
-I dress as a porch burglar myself and then I make myself really conspicuous around my block, so that any other aspiring porch pirates will see me, and just assume that it was my territory and leave it alone. I recognize that this does assume a certain level of honor among thieves within the Porch Pirate brotherhood.
-I have a really high end wireless speaker because I'm doing alright in life. When I leave, I just play a track of fairly constant, very shrill hawk sounds. Ear piercing, really. From what I’m told. I’m not there. But that seems to keep the porch pirates at bay. I don’t know whether they’re scared there are really hawks around or just because it’s an unpleasant sound.
-Convert your house into an Amazon locker.
-Ship millions of books on Zen Buddhism so that if they read it and buy into the philosophy they’ll realize that acquiring possessions prevents us from realizing what's important, developing as a person and constructing a fulfilling life.
In fairness, it's probably best to listen to Chief Shepard's advice to prevent porch piracy, but still, don't be afraid to mix in some of your own methods here and there.