CLEVELAND — Imagine packing a bag, if you have time, putting your arm around your child and saying, "It's time. We have to go"; and yet, not having a clue where you're going.
That's what escaping abuse looks like.
"When somebody first comes to us, they're just emotionally, physically, mentally hurting," City Mission CEO Linda Uveges explained.
"And the ladies, when they're coming in, they at most times feel like maybe they failed themselves, their families," added case manager Tammy Mitchell.
We all know failure feels crushing, but these leaders at Laura's Home Women's Crisis Center at the City Mission of Cleveland also know the women who come to them for protection find so much more.
"Coming into Laura's Home is a huge step because you're stepping out of a fearful situation into another unknown situation, and it can create fear and anxiety," assistant manager Tina Christian says. "However, there's a sense of peace that I notice pretty quickly, pretty quickly. Immediately, shortly after the conversation, not too long after the conversation start[s] to happen, I hear, 'I feel safe.'"
There’s always that question: "Why do people stay in abusive relationships?" There are a plethora of reasons — some can’t financially leave, some don't want to take children from their families, some fear the wrath of the abuser ... and some just don’t know any other life.
"There's an inner struggle, because it's hard to leave what you already know. Even if it's abusive, it's familiar. You know what to expect," Tina explained. "I think being child bearers and then depending on how you were raised, what we know to be unhealthy and unnormal can become normal, and then the person or the woman finds a way to manage it. It's like managed chaos."
And, she says, domestic violence can surface in many forms.
"First, it may start off with verbal abuse, then it escalates to emotional abuse, financial abuse, and then physical. Because think about it — if a person immediately put his hands on you, you wouldn't be in the relationship. So, what I find that a lot of women are groomed into it and then discover as some time passes — once they're attached or even have children — not that they're surprised, but they are surprised. No one knowingly goes into a violent relationship."
But Tina says women come out of those relationships with hopelessness and fear and a sense of self worth that's been so brutalized that they don't even recognize themselves anymore.
"I think that the fact that they found it within themselves to take that first step is very empowering, and I think that alone reminds you that you do still have some dignity."
Once at Laura's Home, women take courses that help them deal with trauma. They can take educational classes and learn how to navigate life in a new way so when things get hard (or familiar), they know how to keep moving through it, especially if the abuser is still trying to hang on to them.
"So often, it can be tempting to go against what her gut is telling her versus this person who has been in control of her life for, in many cases, many, many, many years," Tina said.
Laura's Home is at full capacity, and they're not alone — shelters all over the Northeast are, as well, and it’s gut-wrenching.
"It is hard," Tina acknowledges. "However, when that opportunity opens up, we know that it's a blessing, and I believe that women know it, too. They definitely know. I've had so many women say, 'I know this was God,' because their prayer has been answered."
And above all else, there's one big motivator that often helps these women take that brave step.
"For most that I've talked to their children, they more so want to save their children even more so than themselves," Tina told us. "I think just looking at their children and not wanting their children to see them being abused is often the catalyst for them to take the next step."
One family in particular stands out to Tina. It was July 4, moms gathering with their children outside to watch the fireworks. One little boy was only 2 years old, and once the first light flashed in the sky….
"The popping sounds of the fireworks sent the child into a panic, because he had witnessed his father shooting a gun," Tina recalled. "And so it was traumatizing for him, so much so that ... he was uncontrollable, at 2 years old."
You can leave an abusive situation, but that doesn’t mean the abuse doesn't, in some way, follow you. Traumatic memories are potent for everyone.
"It is heart-wrenching, some of the stories and the phone calls that we get of women in their cars with five and six children," Tina said. "What I hear a lot over the phone is bouncing around friend[s'] or relatives' houses, a lot of people in their cars right now, and winter is coming."
Kids haven't just bounced around to different homes, but to different schools, and Tammy tells us they often feel ashamed of that.
"Oh yeah. [Kids get] teased at school," she said. "Our school that the children go to is right down the street, so they walk. They're in walking distance, and when they come in, sometimes they're saying that the kids see them coming into the shelter, but we encourage them to tell them, 'You've got everything that any other child has, and this is temporary.'"
Their situation at Laura's Home may be temporary, but the lessons are forever. They can now learn to see things differently.
"It's looking at the trauma — the domestic violence, the evictions, all of those different issues that brought somebody here to the city mission," Linda explained. "We're able to really address those in a very safe and beautiful, clean environment and where they're able to work on what brought them here."
And here at Laura's Home, children learn in classrooms, play in playrooms, explore their feelings, and hear — maybe for the first time — that they're bold and unique and capable.
"Children like structure, and I've seen children, even moms, who are uncertain about whether or not they should stay. I have seen the children say, 'Mom, I want to stay,'" Tina said. "I think that for the women who walk through these doors, it is a choice, and it is definitely a choice to be proud of. It's empowering. How could it not be that you're doing something different, not just for yourself, but because you want a better life for your child?"
For Tammy, that chance for true change for these families is what motivates her every day.
"It's my dream job," she declared. "[There's] nothing else that I would prefer or rather do than to help ladies move forward in their lives, change their lives."
Part of that different life includes finding a place of your own to call home. Tammy remembers one woman in particular.
"She started classes, started participating in classes, wanted her children to participate in Pathways and go to school because they hadn't been going, because they lived in a car. And as she came into Laura's Home, she decided that she wanted to be able to make these changes and have this for her family."
But finding affordable housing in Cleveland might take a miracle. According to the latest statistics, Cleveland is the second-worst city in the country for childhood poverty, just behind Detroit.
In fact, in 2022, more than half of Cleveland children under age 5 were living in poverty, illustrating that it’s hard enough to feed our children, let alone find a place they can call home.
"We know that for an individual, a single mom, to be able to afford a two-bedroom apartment, she needs to make over $19 an hour," Linda said. "And that's hard for many of our women."
While Laura's Home works with women to further their education and secure a job, finding affordable housing has lead them to one closed door after another, so they decided to build their own.
And thanks to a $1.5 million gift from Dr. Fred and Jackie Rothstein, the grassy area near the playground on the shelter's property will be transformed into 16 three-bedroom, two-bath units for single mothers. Linda says once the women graduate from Laura's Home, they'll be able to move into one of these units and stay for 18-24 months, giving them the gift of time and stability before taking the next step of purchasing their own home.
So, what was once out of reach for these families will soon be just a few steps away.
"It completely changes that family's trajectory to be able to have their own place," Linda said. "As nice as Laura's Home is — and it is beautiful — we know that they want to be on their own. They want to have that independence, and we want them to have that, too."
The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is (800) 799-7233, or you can visit thehotline.org.